Girl Talk Thursday - List of Five (Fictional Character Edition)

Okay so it was hard (heh heh) enough listing my List of Five a couple of months ago. But fictional list of five? Nearly impossible. I have a super overactive imagination. I’ve been obsessing over cute boys (and girls) in films and books for literally as long as I can remember. And when I say obsess I mean I am seriously not fucking around—we’re talking full on fanfiction writing, getting rides to the library before the Internet existed, and listening to Broadway musicals on huge stereo headphones way past my bedtime in high school.

Here’s what I came up with before my head exploded:

Madmartigan: Probably my first crush. I think this character spontaneously caused me to hit puberty. I remember blushing when Willow was on. My mom teased me and I flew off the handle like “WHATEVER, SHUT UP I JUST LIKE THIS MOVIE.” I think was ten. I’m pretty sure Madmartigan influenced my love for trashy long-haired characters in eyeliner and men in tattered dresses and swordfighting and snarky dudes who are secretly great fathers. Just sayin.



Doc Holiday: Seriously, Val Kilmer again? Embarrassing. So yes, I would catch many diseases and die if I actually slept with Doc Holiday. But would it be worth it? Maybe. He is witty, deadly, and totally made consumption hot somehow. Unfortunately I’m pretty sure that he only wants to do Wyatt Earp and not me but man, I’d roll for Doc Holiday. When he’s all, “you’re not wearin’ a bustle” I die. True story: one time my best friend and I, when we were like 14, pretty much nearly got kicked out of a youth group meeting for giggling the entire time about Tombstone. I don’t even know. This character causes a scary short circuit in my brain.


Chuck Bass: This is so shameful. At least the character is over eighteen now! I can’t help it. I love Chuck. I love his stupid metrosexual wardrobe and his sleepy eyes and his pervitude and his rich boy bad attitude and his secret vulnerable woobie love for Blair Waldorf. I love his snark and the chip on his shoulder and his love affair with speakeasies. I would do him in the back of a limo. And then I’d cry about it. I love you Chuck.






Alan Shore: Even if he’s gotten kind of poofy in his older-age, James Spader absolutely destroys me as Alan Shore. He has a heart of gold, a bad-boy streak, crazy intellect, weird mommy-issues and an insatiable sex drive. He would spank me, and I would like it. I love that he isn’t afraid to make an idiot out of himself. I love that he always wins. I love that he will do anything for his best friend. I would definitely measure his pants for him. I miss Boston Legal.





Han Solo: Han Solo is up there with Madmartigan in regards to majorly influencing my opinion of dudes when I was a little girl. For example, it’s hot when dudes have a sense of humor about having the shit beat out of them. It’s hot when dudes are in love with a janky vehicle. It’s hot when a dude loves his dog best friend Wookie. It’s hot when a dude is encased in carbonite and then wakes up and is all shaky and confused but is clearly majorly in love with the girl he’s been snarking at. It’s hot when a scrubby guy cleans up and wears a military uniform. You know, inspecfic things liket hat.


Runner Up List: (I HAD TO, SHUT UP.) Ned the Pie Man, Giles from Buffy, Spike from Buffy, Severus Snape, Tumnus (don't look at me like that), Robin from Disney’s Robin Hood, Richard St. Veir from Swordspoint, Tim Riggins, Gambit from the X-Men, Sawyer from Lost, Don Juan Demarco, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid preferably at the same time, Ferris Bueller, Sorcha from Willow, Ari Gold, Jesse Custer from Preacher, Justin from The Secret of NIMH, Judas Iscariot as portrayed in Jesus Christ Superstar, Simon Tam, Jim Halpert, Inigo Montoya, Rhett Butler, Indiana Jones before he was old and sucky, Malcolm Reynolds, Fox Mulder, Jack Sparrow, Remus Lupin, Jareth from The Labyrinth, and Batman.